At the
time of writing this I am in my 69th
year. In those years I have been introduced to many thought
processes and concepts that have effected or infected my life and I
want to give some thought to these concepts.
My
grandparents were life long members of the Salvation Army and we were
taught the strict language of the church such as “Don't sin” and
“Honor your mother and father”. My mother fell away from the
church in her teen years yet she wanted me to be the “Good
Christian” that she was not able to be. So my life was “given”
or “dedicated” to the church through a baptism service performed
by my grandfather. This was before I was able to walk, talk or
reason.
My
mother didn't take us to church but one day when my father came for a
visit he said he wanted me to go to church and I asked him which one.
He told me that it was my decision. He told me to ask my friends if
I could go with them to visit their church or on a Sunday just to
walk around and find one. I was about 12 at this time and I followed
his advise. One day I found myself in a Baptist Church and it felt
comfortable so I became a Baptist. Easy as that.
I have
understood for a long time why the church has it's “Do's” and “Do
not's”. However, after many years I have eliminated the guilt in my own life, the guilt my mother could not.
She always felt that she was a sinner and anything bad that happened
in her life was a punishment by God for her disobedience to His will.
I recall several times in her life when she was “Born Again” or
“Saved by the Grace of God” and yet she continued to believe that
she was a “sinner” and unworthy of His love. One of the
last things she said to me as she was fighting a losing battle with
cancer was the question “Why is God doing this to me?”. I cried
because I had no answer and yet I knew in my heart that “He” was
not doing this to her or anyone else.
You see,
at this time in my life, mid 30's, I was grappling with my own
beliefs. I had been in and out of churches but always left them
feeling incomplete. When I asked the difficult questions I was
always told that it was “not for us to know” and that lead to the
question “How do you know it's not for us to know?” I felt that
there was a god and that he was a loving god, not the vengeful god of
my parents. Throughout my life I was open to other
possibilities. I listened to other ideas and read other philosophies. I applied logic to these ideas and became ever more pragmatic and little by little they began to make much more sense.
By the
time of my mid 50's I still had more questions than answers and my
friend said that was a good thing. I asked him why and he said that
questions keep us moving forward but when we have no more questions
we start digging our own grave.
More than
20 years after my mother died I found myself going through the same
thing with my dear brother. He was only 58 and by the time he was
diagnosed with cancer it was too late. The final year was one doctor
appointment after the other and one treatment after the other. This
changed his physical appearance and of course it affected his mental
health too. I knew he was wrestling with his own beliefs but he
would not talk about it with me. We went to visit our parents graves
in Texas and Louisiana and I watched him kneel at each one, head bowed
as he communed with them in his own way. I hope it gave him some
peace as I know he was in pain.
Today I
celebrate the Winter
solstice, the longest night and the
shortest day. People talk about “The reason for the season” and
yet they ignore the real reason IS the season. We know the reason
that the seasons change. We know that the vernal equinox will signal
the end of winter and that the summer solstice will be the longest
day and the shortest night. No questions. No dogma. The things
like the earth circling the sun and the moon circling the earth are
more certain by far than any Johnny Come Lately religion. I am now
free from the chains that have bound me to my ancestors beliefs.
It's not
something you have to believe in, it is as certain as life and death.
Happy Winter Solstice.
