The Longest Night. The Shortest Day

At the time of writing this I am in my 69^th year. In those years I have been introduced to many thought processes and concepts that have effected or infected my life and I want to give some thought to these concepts.

My grandparents were life long members of the Salvation Army and we were taught the strict language of the church such as “Don't sin” and “Honor your mother and father”. My mother fell away from the church in her teen years yet she wanted me to be the “Good Christian” that she was not able to be. So my life was “given” or “dedicated” to the church through a baptism service performed by my grandfather. This was before I was able to walk, talk or reason.

My mother didn't take us to church but one day when my father came for a visit he said he wanted me to go to church and I asked him which one. He told me that it was my decision. He told me to ask my friends if I could go with them to visit their church or on a Sunday just to walk around and find one. I was about 12 at this time and I followed his advise. One day I found myself in a Baptist Church and it felt comfortable so I became a Baptist. Easy as that.

I have understood for a long time why the church has it's “Do's” and “Do not's”.  However, after many years I have eliminated the guilt in my own life, the guilt my mother could not. She always felt that she was a sinner and anything bad that happened in her life was a punishment by God for her disobedience to His will. I recall several times in her life when she was “Born Again” or “Saved by the Grace of God” and yet she continued to believe that she was a “sinner” and unworthy of His love. One of the last things she said to me as she was fighting a losing battle with cancer was the question “Why is God doing this to me?”. I cried because I had no answer and yet I knew in my heart that “He” was not doing this to her or anyone else.

You see, at this time in my life, mid 30's, I was grappling with my own beliefs. I had been in and out of churches but always left them feeling incomplete. When I asked the difficult questions I was always told that it was “not for us to know” and that lead to the question “How do you know it's not for us to know?” I felt that there was a god and that he was a loving god, not the vengeful god of my parents. Throughout my life I was open to other possibilities. I listened to other ideas and read other philosophies. I applied logic to these ideas and became ever more pragmatic and little by little they began to make much more sense.

By the time of my mid 50's I still had more questions than answers and my friend said that was a good thing. I asked him why and he said that questions keep us moving forward but when we have no more questions we start digging our own grave.

More than 20 years after my mother died I found myself going through the same thing with my dear brother. He was only 58 and by the time he was diagnosed with cancer it was too late. The final year was one doctor appointment after the other and one treatment after the other. This changed his physical appearance and of course it affected his mental health too. I knew he was wrestling with his own beliefs but he would not talk about it with me. We went to visit our parents graves in Texas and Louisiana and I watched him kneel at each one, head bowed as he communed with them in his own way. I hope it gave him some peace as I know he was in pain.

  Today I celebrate the Winter solstice, the longest night and the shortest day. People talk about “The reason for the season” and yet they ignore the real reason IS the season. We know the reason that the seasons change. We know that the vernal equinox will signal the end of winter and that the summer solstice will be the longest day and the shortest night. No questions. No dogma. The things like the earth circling the sun and the moon circling the earth are more certain by far than any Johnny Come Lately religion. I am now free from the chains that have bound me to my ancestors beliefs.

It's not something you have to believe in, it is as certain as life and death. Happy Winter Solstice.