A new beginning

The future is nothing more than a new beginning that starts right now. I have been here before and I am sure I will be again. The problem is trying to keep promises that were made before life events changed and then realizing that those promises are causing pain to both the promiser and the promisee. Therefore, a new beginning becomes the only logical path to the future.

Here is a link to my website: www.jimwalls.info

Update Feb 2020: More than a year has passed since I published this entry. I remain, like a plane getting low on fuel and awaiting clearance from the tower, in a holding pattern. 

Update April 2020: And now, the Covid-19 virus ... sigh.

My dear sister passed today, Easter Sunday, April 12, 2020, three years after her husband passed. We laid her to rest on April 15th and I packed up my belongings and headed back to Oregon/Washington to be with my grandkids. A memorial service will be held when people feel safe to gather.

Dust and cobwebs

For about a year now I have been staying with my sister, Bobbie, in northern Texas as she slowly fades away. She is just 87 years old but she has been in poor health for many years. Her husband, who was 90, died in April 2017 and she began her decline at that time. By July of 2017, I realized that she could not be at home on her own and would require round the clock assistance so I promised that I would be there for her as long as I was needed. Taking care of an invalid person requires more than one person so her youngest daughter Meg moved back home with her 8-year-old son and between us we have shared the duties of home care.
The house where she and her husband lived her entire adult life is in Red Springs, Texas. Everywhere I look I see evidence of a life well-lived, a house where she raised four children of her own and raised three more who she adopted over the years. In every room, there are collectibles, photos, trophies, nick-nacks, and "what-nots".  These things are covered with a fine layer of dust and cobwebs. At times her memory is the same ... dust and cobwebs.  She has thanked me many times for being here for her and although it is difficult to watch a person in decline, just knowing that I have been a little comfort and a little help to her is reward enough for me.

Update: Jan 10, 2019, Bobbie's strength continues to decline, and yet she still holds on to what is left of her life. Her days are a roller-coaster ride of good and difficult and she is in pain every day. She has stopped taking all of the medications she had been taking and only takes an Advil from time to time for the pain.

I feel conflicted but I am going back to Mexico for a week to deal with my stuff that has been stored down there. I'll be back to continue my duties here by Jan 20th.

Learning about my grandmother Florence Mae Walls (Ferguson)

This is the only photo I have of her.

She was born in Joshua, Johnson Co., Texas 1 March 1885
Her parents were Neal Scott B. Ferguson and Charity Adjullia Hines
She was one of 11 children
She married Alonzo "Lon" Walls 18 November 1901 in Cleburne, Johnson Co., Texas
They had  6 children
She died 15 August 1975

Bernie Nofziger update

I met Bernie here in Zihuatanejo in Feb 2011 and quickly learned why he is a legend around here. This year he is back and still tearing up the dance floor with all the ladies. After his fall back in the summer of 2011 his recovery has been awesome. This year he walking a little slower and and not quite so far but get him near a band and lovely ladies and he takes center stage.

Go Bernie go, we love you.

Update #2 - April 6, 2016

I had a nice visit with Bernie at his home in Lebanon, OR and he was in good spirits. He enjoyed the photos I brought him and he shared some that I had never seen. He is still having trouble with his balance (mostly because he won't slow down) but he works at things he can do like mowing the yard on his riding mower. The visit was all too short but still enjoyable.

Update #3 - Feb 13, 2019 Bernie gets hitched !!!!
Married this day on the beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico.
Bernie and his lovely bride Sherry Galla.

The Longest Night. The Shortest Day

At the time of writing this I am in my 69^th year. In those years I have been introduced to many thought processes and concepts that have effected or infected my life and I want to give some thought to these concepts.

My grandparents were life long members of the Salvation Army and we were taught the strict language of the church such as “Don't sin” and “Honor your mother and father”. My mother fell away from the church in her teen years yet she wanted me to be the “Good Christian” that she was not able to be. So my life was “given” or “dedicated” to the church through a baptism service performed by my grandfather. This was before I was able to walk, talk or reason.

My mother didn't take us to church but one day when my father came for a visit he said he wanted me to go to church and I asked him which one. He told me that it was my decision. He told me to ask my friends if I could go with them to visit their church or on a Sunday just to walk around and find one. I was about 12 at this time and I followed his advise. One day I found myself in a Baptist Church and it felt comfortable so I became a Baptist. Easy as that.

I have understood for a long time why the church has it's “Do's” and “Do not's”.  However, after many years I have eliminated the guilt in my own life, the guilt my mother could not. She always felt that she was a sinner and anything bad that happened in her life was a punishment by God for her disobedience to His will. I recall several times in her life when she was “Born Again” or “Saved by the Grace of God” and yet she continued to believe that she was a “sinner” and unworthy of His love. One of the last things she said to me as she was fighting a losing battle with cancer was the question “Why is God doing this to me?”. I cried because I had no answer and yet I knew in my heart that “He” was not doing this to her or anyone else.

You see, at this time in my life, mid 30's, I was grappling with my own beliefs. I had been in and out of churches but always left them feeling incomplete. When I asked the difficult questions I was always told that it was “not for us to know” and that lead to the question “How do you know it's not for us to know?” I felt that there was a god and that he was a loving god, not the vengeful god of my parents. Throughout my life I was open to other possibilities. I listened to other ideas and read other philosophies. I applied logic to these ideas and became ever more pragmatic and little by little they began to make much more sense.

By the time of my mid 50's I still had more questions than answers and my friend said that was a good thing. I asked him why and he said that questions keep us moving forward but when we have no more questions we start digging our own grave.

More than 20 years after my mother died I found myself going through the same thing with my dear brother. He was only 58 and by the time he was diagnosed with cancer it was too late. The final year was one doctor appointment after the other and one treatment after the other. This changed his physical appearance and of course it affected his mental health too. I knew he was wrestling with his own beliefs but he would not talk about it with me. We went to visit our parents graves in Texas and Louisiana and I watched him kneel at each one, head bowed as he communed with them in his own way. I hope it gave him some peace as I know he was in pain.

  Today I celebrate the Winter solstice, the longest night and the shortest day. People talk about “The reason for the season” and yet they ignore the real reason IS the season. We know the reason that the seasons change. We know that the vernal equinox will signal the end of winter and that the summer solstice will be the longest day and the shortest night. No questions. No dogma. The things like the earth circling the sun and the moon circling the earth are more certain by far than any Johnny Come Lately religion. I am now free from the chains that have bound me to my ancestors beliefs.

It's not something you have to believe in, it is as certain as life and death. Happy Winter Solstice.

Guns

Guns:

Right now there are so many conflicting ideas on all sides of the issue. Today I have a haunting feeling that soon, very soon, there will be a mass shooting where the police are shooting criminals and citizens are shooting criminals and police because they can't tell who is who. And then the police will start shooting the citizens who will retaliate in kind and on and on it will go. I only hope that my loved ones and I can stay out of harm's way.

I read the following today and it seems like these people have no knowledge of the Austin Tower Sniper:

"Gun rights activists in Texas are planning to stage a mock mass shooting at the University of Texas this weekend in protest of both gun-free zones and President Barack Obama's continued calls for tougher gun control legislation.

According to the website Statesman, gun rights supporters will begin the day by marching through Austin with loaded weapons and conclude their walk with a "theatrical performance."

A spokesman for the two participating gun rights groups, Come and Take It Texas and DontComply.com, told the site the event will involve using fake blood and bullhorns to mimic gunshot noises.

"In the wake of yet another gun free zone shooting, Obama is using it to aggressively push his gun confiscation agenda," a Facebook page for the event read. "Now is the time to stand up, take a walk, speak out against the lies and put an end to the gun free killing zones."

In June, state lawmakers made Texas the eighth state in the country to allow students to carry concealed weapons on campus grounds. Saturday's event comes amid ongoing concerns about the new law.

"We want criminals to fear the public being armed," spokesman Matthew Short said. "An armed society is a polite society."

All of these people need to take a moment to read about the Austin Tower Sniper 

5 years in Mexico

It's hard for me to believe that this week I celebrate 5 years in Mexico.  I have not done exactly what I had planned to do but I must say it has been pretty good. I had planned to travel more but I feel like that part is just around the corner. Looking back over the last 3 years I can see how I have been taking a lot fewer photos and my sense of creativity has ebbed. I started a project a few years ago which has languished in the back of my mind but now I feel the need to continue with it. I need more and different subject matter so now it's time to stretch my legs and see some places I have only dreamed of or seen in other people's photos. I don't want to take anything away from the family, I only want to continue with my love of photographic art.